People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
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stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.