People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
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Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.