People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
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“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
😂😂
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits