Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

I’m good, thanks.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!