People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
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*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
What.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
