Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

😭😭

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

“Ouch!”

“Ow!”

“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”

“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”

“I think I need to ice something”

“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”

– sex in your 40’s

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean