People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
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I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.