Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?

Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.