People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
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[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.