People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
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*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.