People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
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My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?