@Crunk_Jews: People who use a vacation day the day after Christmas to have relatives over clearly don't understand the meaning of the word vacation.
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@VapingSonic: My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus' party than RSVP'd but he still had enough cake for everyone
@realHamOnWry: My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. She wants a huge wedding with 500 guests and a piano player. I want us to see other people.
@Death_Buddy: Three ways to tell if you're dating an Octopus: 1. They give awesome hugs 2. They have no skeleton 3. Every date is at the aquarium
@fishbowel: Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes Everyone: *freaking out* Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours Everyone: *calms down* Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff