Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
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*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
much to think about
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices