People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
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[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!