People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
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should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!