Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.