@lolzdonz

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

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@FunnyBison

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

@pixelatedboat

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

@stonedcoldlazy

Since Canada isn’t making the penny anymore-did the price of a thought just go up to a nickel?

@RBColl

[spelling bee]

Teacher: Your word is indictment.

Me: Can you use that in a sentence?

Teacher: Yes, I can use indictment in a sentence.

@DaddyJew

How to organize Legos in 3 easy steps:

1. Throw Legos away

2. Tell kids you were robbed

3. Fix yourself a drink. You’ve earned it.

@papasuncle

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.

@Angrea

OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!!
But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer.

She never even knew.

@SardonicTart

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

@Gupton68

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…