Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
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“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Since Canada isn’t making the penny anymore-did the price of a thought just go up to a nickel?
Teacher: Your word is indictment.
Me: Can you use that in a sentence?
Teacher: Yes, I can use indictment in a sentence.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
How to organize Legos in 3 easy steps:
1. Throw Legos away
2. Tell kids you were robbed
3. Fix yourself a drink. You’ve earned it.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!!
But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer.
She never even knew.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…