People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
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It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.