People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
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The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Bond. Trauma bond.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no