Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

Seek kebab; not attention

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”