People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
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My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
This came to me in a dream.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip