People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
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friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
That was easy.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.