Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

a lot to unpack here

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

i think both sides are to blame here

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?