People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
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Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart