Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.

Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.

Robin: Great!

Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.

Robin: Ummm….

Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

we were doing a cousins pic and we did one that included my cousins’ partners and our pizza got delivered while we were taking it and i jokingly said “invite him in so he can be my boyfriend for the pic”

and my aunt ASKED HIM to and brought him inside & he did the pic 😭😭😭😭😭

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.