Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

won’t smith

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.