People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
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Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Good morning.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one