People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
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Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
he looks great for his age
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.