People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them
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Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.