Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

That’s incredible! 👌

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

I never needed anything more in my life

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god

[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?

Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.