Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?

Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.

Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?

Date: I don’t see a future for us.

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.