Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.

*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises

Happy Tuesday

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair