People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
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if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Holy shit he’s back
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat