Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

me: I may have added too much salt

my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

Friend: what are you doing for VD?

Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Friend: Valentine’s Day…

Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.