Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.

being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?

Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.

God help us.

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”

BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day

I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.