People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
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tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
sign of the times 🖊
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
The three genders.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
He’s dead
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
