The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
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Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night