People who write hai and bai, wai?

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Roses are red

Violets don’t matter.

When a woman says ‘I love you’

Men scatter.


My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.


Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?


“where did all ur money go?”

I’m either wearing it or i ate it



Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.


I’m gonna buy some cheese and put it behind glass with a sign that reads “In queso emergency, break glass”


Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.


I leave the interview room as I entered it, karate chopping air and unemployed.


My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch