@DanOverHere

People who write hai and bai, wai?

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@RobertManchild

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

@LCbasecamp

I don’t care how this is done. I’ll watch it because it’s incredible.

@ROSEandDAYFIELD

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

@SondraDeeMe

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

@thesulk

“Something in the way she moos / attracts me like no udder lover”

@jazmasta

[making small talk at a business function]
“You’re 35 aren’t you?”
“No, I’m 38”
“Oh right”
[long silence]
“Did you used to be 35?”

@djdarrellripley

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

@TheUnderfold

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

@stewnami

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.