People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
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7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep