People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
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Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.