people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
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A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol