People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
You Might Also Like
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
incredible book dedication
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
“i am a sweet baby”