People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
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*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Every photo I’m tagged in
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Dumple
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel