People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
![]()
You Might Also Like
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I am all good here, 😂😉
![]()
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*