Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

😂

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

i like to flex on them by shrugging

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

Cashier: How are you today?

Me: You too.

🤦🏻‍♂️

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?

Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*