people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
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I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”