I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
You Might Also Like
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.