People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
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“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me