People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
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*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*