People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
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Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.