People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
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Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”