people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
You Might Also Like
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.