Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

Who called it cremation and not ashashination

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

Gotta love the Dead Kennedys

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

Meal prep? No need to prep here, I’m prepared for a meal AT ALL TIMES!

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

True?

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?