people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
You Might Also Like
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.