people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
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God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
🤣😂🤣😂
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.