People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
You Might Also Like
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.