People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
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Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.