People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
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Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
haha same
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.