Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

Disgusting if literal: Liverpool

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

“Great, now I have to pee.”

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?