People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
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Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
