People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
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Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Me recordaron éste meme
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
A woman drives into a bar.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.