Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

I just tested negative for patience.

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.

Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

*first day as an insurance salesman*

Customer: Can I get a quote?

Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰

Customer: …

Me: …

Customer: …

Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke