Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

casino dealer: ok all bets on the table

cat: [pushes bets off the table]

dealer: stop that are you in or out

cat: YES

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.

12yo: I can hear you.

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

God: you have terrible eyesight.

Bat: oh no.

God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.

Bat: sweet!

God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.

Bat:

God:

Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.

Him: I got that dog in me

Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??