People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
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me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open