People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
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God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Plant care tips
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
prepare for carbonated trouble
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
I’m being attacked 😭
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.