Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

🍂🕷️🍂

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys