People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
You Might Also Like
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Are you ok, human???
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality