Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy

*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA

How actors in movies eat their food

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming