Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

rise and shine we got egg

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.