Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.

Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.