Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

Rooting for the overdog

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

Your honor these allegations are

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?