People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
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did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably