People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
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In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Cashiers are always checking me out
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.