People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
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Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.